I watched her sleep. Her breathing wasn’t audible. I recall a struggle. Pillows were squeezed and hands were scratched. Her lip still held a speck of dried blood.
Smoke filled air gives every room the impression of movement. It was this morning I watched her sleep. And when I kissed her for the last time I tasted gasoline.
Did the speaker murder her? ... This is creepy but also intriguing. The style here of each sentence being its own enigma, then coupled with those surrounding it, works and matches of course with the content. However other than a fleeting curiosity of what happened, I don't take a lot from this because there isn't much given. I think you are good at this playful (controlled) terseness, why stop so soon? What about one specific scene from the night?
ReplyDeleteI like what you're doing with time here. It's very disorienting. It's a small piece, but it took a while to get through just because I had to re-read to find the narrator's place in time. He embodies both his present moment while still very much embodying this recalled struggle that can only be discussed in the passive voice. Like he's clinging to this past moment--"this morning"--while distanced from it. I wonder why. Why this nostalgia for a place in time that the narrator can barely attach his own selfhood to?
ReplyDeleteWhat strikes me really strongly in this piece is the last line. That line and image I think is great and a very powerful way to end a poem. A line that could be improved on however, is the usage of “smoke filled air.” That image has been done a lot already and weakness the strengths of the poem. And one thing I kept on focusing was a possibility that the poem be written in the present with the final line as it currently is. It would give the poem a bit more of urgency to it.
ReplyDeleteAHHHHH HE KILLED HER AND THEN BURNED BOTH OF THEM.
ReplyDeleteYou begin your journey from the normal to the creepy with the title. By the time you get to the end and come back to the title, you're that much more horrified.
I agree with Joe. These sentences ("I recall a struggle. Pillows were squeezed and hands were scratched.") would stand better not written in the passive voice. Or at least not in such blatant passive voice. Also, I'd love if you drew on the smoke in the room. It would really increase that awesome sense of disorient Chacha talks about earlier.
Interesting.... and really creepy. but interestingly creepy. The narrator obviously isn't well for one reason or another, and I like how this jarring, oddly-colored, short-winded poem sort of mimics his craziness. Nice.
ReplyDeleteAwesome piece!!! Really creepy though, but awesome. You managed to capture the narrator's disturbed fame of mind and thought process very well; he did not seem to remember exactly how he killed her but just small flashes of disturbing details. Very cool piece.
ReplyDeleteI can't tell if the speaker just had rough sex or...killed someone.
ReplyDeleteAnd I like it!
But I want to know more about his inner monologue so I can decipher what actually just happened. But maybe it's the whole point that I can't.